I think I’m making progress with trusting people but then something happens and I have to start all over again…
And I feel as though I am gonna fall right back into that pit of despair again. I’m trying so hard not to. I just get so anxious and so scared of what will happen to me. I don’t think it helps that the only way that I can release these emotions are through typing on Tumblr or Twitter. I don’t even feel like I can talk to myself about it in a sense. I just fake my way through the day and hope to God that someone will reach out and try to help me from myself but it never happens, it will never happen I guess. I just have so much faith in someone that I haven’t met or have met and am just not aware that they can help. It’s so frustrating that over and over again I feel like I fail myself and the ones around me with my petty bullshit that seems so small to other people but crush me every day. I just don’t get why I am not normal, not in the “I am like everyone else” but just able to cope and live a healthy life without thinking about killing myself over things like, why I am alone and why I failed this test. It happens to everyone right? Everyone has a bad day right? It’s like I know all the answers but I can’t feel it in my heart when I am at that point. I just feel so alone even though I’m not but I’ve got so good at hiding it that I can’t even recognize it when I am out with friends until I get into the quietness of my room and think. Think about everything I could have done differently to make my life a little bit more “happy.” I will eventually out grow this, at least I have faith that I will now, and maybe one day I can help someone like this. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, for NO ONE to feel like me. Maybe that’s my biggest fault, I care and that’s what causes this hurt and this anxiety and this depression and everything else that is a fault in me. I am just rambling, Spring Break is Over and I am about to just become this shell again, let’s hope I get out of it, yeah?
So many engulf my mind as we speak. So much information just floating about my head aimlessly for no reason at all but to aggravate me. Why is this like this or what would happen if this took place, I hate it and I hate myself for thinking it. I loathe the nights where I lay alone in bed and just try and unravel the thoughts one by one successfully making a more raveled knot and either becoming frustrated or depressed or anxious. I turn in dwarf and blame myself for it and then I become suicidal. It’s rather pathetic.
At first I would try and express these thoughts on other people for help but they always told me that they can’t do anything, so I gave up. I went to counselors and they said they couldn’t help but could listen and when talking about it made it worse I just stopped speaking. Now I’m lost in myself and I don’t know how to find my way out and I assume no one can help me. I guess my thoughts are gonna eat me and one day I’ll be successful at cutting deep enough or finally pulling the trigger or maybe not. Maybe I’ll just walk around Earth with this fake smile and millions of thoughts and then what? I’ll die struggling everyday of my life, likely alone because I don’t wanna burden anyone else with my issues knowing they probably have some of there own. These thoughts and ideas they’re ruining me, they are literally tearing me apart and for some reason I feel like help is the equivalent of Neverland. Just another thought I guess, a thought to unravel, a thought to put me out of my misery, a simple thought that can bring complex endings. Just a thought.
I don’t get how people do it. How do people live there life actually happy, to me it seems like a myth to me now. I wake up hoping that the new day will bring this so called happiness and I am let down everyday, each time, continuously. I have never felt so dumb in my life for even believing that I could make it in this world for as long as I have. Maybe I just had all this false hope that obviously wouldn’t last forever when I became smart enough to understand that this world is cruel and that’s all it will be. Yeah, I believe in God, but why would someone who loves me unconditionally let me go through what I have gone through. No, I am not starving or have third world problems but I have issues that no one knows how to fix, unlike them. I am just so fed up and it’s about that time to just give up everything and say good bye the best way I know how. Bye world, it was a terrible time but you’ve definitely won. Good game.
When I was in an in patient mental health program I went through a class on love. The lady in the class explained to me how love is a give and take situation. If you imagine love as a penny back, you insert a certain amount of your time and energy into this love bank and then your significant other takes from this bank or puts more in or does nothing.
Once I got out I forgot about it and pushed it to the back of my head. I don’t know what brought it up today for me but if you apply it to each and every person you love in your life it really teaches you abut your friends and family. You have the takers, people who just absorb your love assets and do nothing to restore the funds by returning that love. You have the indifferent people who do nothing but watch you put in the love tokens and say they care but you don’t see them returning that love. Then you have the givers who just shower you with love but sometimes that’s a fault too. Then you have those perfect people who evenly take and give back what they take, those are the people you keep around.
Well, basing my life on that, I tend to give a whole lot more then I should to everyone I love. Yeah, some people give it back and are the perfect people but most aren’t and that hurts but what can I do to fix it? I teach myself to love with limits and not put that much effort into someone who doesn’t put that much effort in me. It’s in that where I will find peace with myself and everyone in my life.
That was just a thought, anyway
I was never living my life with proper determination, with the drive to actually do something with my life and taking the steps to get too it. I am pretty lazy and unmotivated when it comes to certain things like school and lifting weights because that is extra “effort” that has to be exerted from my body and ain’t nobody got time for that! But now that I am in the bind where I am being told I have a set amount of time to live I have been looking at my life as a whole lot of “should have”s and “could of”s. I don’t think anyone understands the amount of pain I am going through everyday and I can’t be mad at them because how they are suppose to sympathize with me being broken like I am. But I’m not going to be down on myself, I’m gonna live my life the way I should always have, working hard and not saying no to everything because it’s “weird” or “not normal.” (Still don’t understand what normal is because…, I digress.)
All I am saying is that if you’re lucky enough to live don’t not take chances, don’t not make big and small mistakes and be upset at them, learn from them and push forward. Just be you and don’t judge anything until you try it at least once. It’s like how my mom made me try new foods, one no thank you bite and you don’t have to eat it again (made me love onions and garlic and so much more delicious food). Just take a bite out of life and see if you like the taste
-Your Friend Isaac
I’ve had a pretty tough life and it just keeps getting tougher. Yeah, I know everyone has it rough and everyone has baggage but I’m not complaining about it right now. I’m glad that all these negative things and people were in my lives, more actually then the good people in it. The terrible incidents in my life taught me to be kind, taught me to be strong, taught me to care to much and love way more then I need too. Yeah, I have baggage but I’m not gonna let the negativity run me anymore, I’m gonna let it push me to strive another day.
I cry a lot
Enough to fill a river
But you know what
I have no more energy
To get up and try
But I still do it
Because It’s Okay
I wanna die
Everyday the sun rises
But I do it anyway
Because It’s Okay
I don’t fret
I don’t worry
Because one day
It will really be Okay
And that’s enough for me
So it’s okay.